This is where all the Christmas themed jokes I've found are stored . . .
There's the physics of Christmas, a history of Christmas, and two versions of "The Night before Christmas, one here, the other here.
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with
research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine
(January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific
inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly.
BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be
classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this
does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has
ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15%
of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference
Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at
least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to
the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming
he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822.6 visits/second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop
out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of
our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78
miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting
stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours,
plus feeding & etc.
So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times
the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a
poky 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15
miles/hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized
lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not
counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On
land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 lb. Even
granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) could pull 10
TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9
reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not
counting the weight of the sleigh - to = 353,430 tons.
This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous
air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same
fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The
lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of
energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and
create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer
team will be vaporized within 0.00426 of a second. Meanwhile,
Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times
greater than gravity. A 250-lb. Santa (seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of
force.
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead
now.
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was
going right.
Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.
The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the
overtime they had while making the toys.
The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.
To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin
earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious.
"I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my
reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have
a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago
to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to
do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in
from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says
"Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this
year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to
pass. .......
The Night before Christmas (version 1)
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
the whole goddamn family was drunk as a louse.
With mom in the whorehouse, and dad in jail,
I settled myself down with a tall glass of ale.
Then out on the front lawn there arose such a clatter,
I jumped off my sister to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but some red-suited shit and eight fucking reindeer.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a second the fat fucker had fell.
He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick, for my brother the queer.
His work now complete, and ready to depart,
he shot up the chimney with the blast of his fart.
As he climbed in his sled, and took off flight,
he yelled 'Fuck you all, it's been a hell of a night!'
The Night before Christmas (version 2)
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
We had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
With a broom up his a_ _, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa S_ithead, whoa A_ shole, whoa Stupid, whoa Pu_z,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go p_e."
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my a_s,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a b_m and he smelled like a wh_re,
"That was some br_thel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll stay for a while."
He walked to the kitchen and poured himself a drink,
Then whipped out his peck_r and pi_sed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false t_ts,
The next was a handgun with a peni_ that spits.
A box filled with cond_ms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panti_s, the edible kind.
A bra without nip_les, a peni_ extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A f_ck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a d_ldo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids; Mrs. Santa will shi_,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny bu_t plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his as_ and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, and took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph... this night's been a
b_tch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pu_sy is that you can't wear it
out!"
There's some other pages of jokes around here . . .
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Any good jokes? Send them here!
Too much for you? Here's the way out :-)