This is the first of the comedy pages on this website. They're a bit mixed up at the moment, but I'll sort them out sooner or later . . . if I get around to it :-) Currently there's just the Bohemian Curry song, the list of Haiku error messages, several reasons why The Chicken Crossed The Road, some weird laws about having sex in the US, and last but not least, The Octopus Joke, but there'll be more sooner or later.
OK, this isn't written or even hosted by me, but go and have a look at Irish traffic etiquette :-)
To the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
Naan-aa, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle, now he's dead.
Naan-aa, dinner just begun
But now I'm going to crap it all away.
Naan-aa, ooh-ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry,
Seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow, Curry on, Curry on,
'cause nothing really madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers up my spine
Rectum aching all the time.
Goodbye every bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use loo.
Naan-aa, ooh ooh,
This Dopiaza's mild,
I Sometimes wish we'd never come here at all...
******
(Guitar solo)
*****
I see a little chicken tikka on the side, Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh
pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely
Nery very spicey
ME!
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani and a naan,
(A vindaloo loo looo...)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to a lavatory
Stand you well back
Cause this loo is quarantined.
Here it comes,
There it goes,
technicolor yawn.
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes) I chunder
It's coming up again
(There he goes) It's coming up again, (Up again) Coming up again
(up again)
Here it comes again
(No no no no no non o no no No).
On my knees, I'm on my knees, I'm on my knees Oh there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me... Poor me... Poor me!
*****
(Guitar solo)
*****
So you think you can chunder and still it's alright?
So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ohh maybe, now you'll puke like a baby,
Just had to come out,
Just had to come right out in here....
******
(Guitar solo)
******
Korma, saag or bhuna,
Balti, naan, bhaji.
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference to me
(Anyway my wind blows.)
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Freud:
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
L.A. Police Department:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2:
It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed it, I've not been told!
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
John Locke:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Mulder:
It was a government conspiracy.
Scully:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Darwin #2:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
The Pope:
That is only for God to know.
Immanuel Kant:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
M.C.Escher:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
Plato:
For the greater good.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
Emily Dickenson:
Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
O.J.:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Jean-Luc:
To Boldly Go Where No Chicken Has Gone Before
Neil Armstrong:
That's one small step for chickens, one giant leap for poultry.
Spock:
The answer is obvious. To get to the other side. That is logical.
Bones (Dr. on Star Trek)
How would I know? I'm a doctor, not a chicken!
Gorbachev in 1991:
To see who was in the coup.... (gag!)
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his hornthree times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. [Hmmm... okay, there's one place with a law that makes sense...]
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses."
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. [Not to be confused with the myth about "rule of thumb"'s origin]
In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.)
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.
In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).
A man walks into a pub carrying his pet octopus with him. When he buys a drink the barman is naturally very surprised and comments that he cannot remember the last time there was an octopus in the pub.
"Ah," says the man with the octopus, "But this is no ordinary octopus."
"Really," says the barman, "what's so special about it then?"
"This octopus is a musical genius," says the octopus' owner, "He can play any musical instrument you care to name brilliantly."
"Bollocks," said the barman.
"OK," said the octopus' owner, "I bet you one hundred pounds that you cannot find an instrument which he can't play superbly."
"Done."
As it happened there was a band in the pub that night so the barman goes over them and borrows an electric guitar. He gives it to the octopus and the octopus starts ripping away on it like the ghost of Brian Jones. Incredible virtuoso display of blues guitar.
"Bloody hell," said the barman, and goes off to borrow a saxophone. The octopus plays this too like a true genius, the best jazz saxophone anyone had ever heard.
"Looks like you're going to owe me a hundred quid," says the octopus' owner smugly.
But the barman was very cunning. He was Scottish and disappeared off into the back of the pub to find his bagpipes. he gave them to the octopus who perused them slightly, apparently puzzled.
"Hah," cries the barman to the octopus owner, "you owe me a hundred quid."
Concerned the octopus owner goes up to the octopus and says, "Come on what's the matter, aren't you going to play this thing - you could cost me a hundred quid."
"No," says the octopus, "I'm not going to play it, I'm going to shag it once I work out how to get the cute tartan pyjamas off."
There's some other pages of jokes around here . . .
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Send any jokes to me, care of Speedy
Too much for you? Here's the way out :-)