OK, what have I put here . . . ? Ways to get electricity from hamsters, Poetry, some slightly sick, I suppose :-), including a "Scottish fable." There's also a spods-eye view of the creation!
42 ways to get electric power from hamsters
1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static electricity.
3. Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.
4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline.
5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.
7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity.
8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
9. Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
11. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.
13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator.
17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.
18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time.
19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling.
20. Have hamster steal one of kube's magic cards. Leech power from resulting nuclear strike.
21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc.
22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.
23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant.
24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.
25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power....
26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre.
27. a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters,
because they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
c. Feed the hamsters.
d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
e. Periodically drain off the voltage. Unfortunately, this only
gets you DC current.
P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from
blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the
hamsters! (Well, maybe some posphorous and iron and stuff)
28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning- breathing hamster as power source.
30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yield 20% more power from the dilithium crystals.
31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red & embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine.
33. Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radioation to electricity.
34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...
35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got electricity. (I say "five or six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take five hits or so. QED.)
37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.
38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice.
39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti- matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above.
40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy.
41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan. Mech._
42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricty.
43. Get Paul, a hamster and a tube. Wave both tube and hamster at Paul. Sit him on a bicycle driving a turbine and tell him he can't have the hamster until he's produced a megawatt...
These people have some imagination...
Mary had an extra limb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
People thought it was a lamb.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
I pushed him down
And watched him fall.
All the King's horses,
And all the King's men,
Rode by and slipped
on his albumen.
Jack and Gil went up the hill
To take a poke at Walter.
Jack went down
on Walter's Crown
and Gill came too,
Soon after.
My, my. Aren't they experienced kids?
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick.
Jack butchered his family
And moved to Canada.
Simple Simon
Broke my hymen
Going to the Fair.
I said, "Simon,"
"That's my pie, man!"
"I ain't got a slice to spare!"
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner,
A knife in his sister's thigh.
He said to the coroner,
"Though I am a mourner,"
"If you're not to eat her,"
"May I?"
Wee Willy Winkle
Ran through the night.
But I finally caught him
And did him right.
He screamed and squirmed
And put up a fight.
I soon found out why,
'Cause boy, was he tight!
How do they come up with these ideas?
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet,
Her legs wide open and splayed.
When down came a spider,
Who crawled up inside her
And tickled miss Muffet all day.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...
There was an old lady,
Who lived in my shoe.
When I put it on
She turned into goo.
Hickory, Dickory, Dock.
Rammed a mouse on to my cock.
Without a sound
I turned it around,
And watched it go into shock.
Jack Sprat
Ate a cat.
He shat a rat.
And that was that.
Old Mother Hubbard
Was found in her cupboard,
Her flesh eaten
Through to the bone.
When they discovered
Old Father Hubbard
'Said, "Bitch wouldn't"
"Leave me alone."
Hey Diddle Diddle,
My penis is little
and shriveled
and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it
And tease it, and please it,
It'll blow up just like
A balloon.
Georgie Porgie,
Glasses and Cups,
Kissed the Girls and
Knocked them up,
When their parents
found out what they did
They got out a coathanger
and tore out the kid.
The Queen of Hearts
She made some Tarts
with refried beans one day
I ate the tarts
and got the Farts
The Queen, she moved away.
Rock-A-Bye Baby
On the tree top,
I threw a rock,
and the cradle dropped,
The little head broke,
and all I could see,
was a new meaning,
to the word "infant-tree"
Rub A Dub-Dub
Three men in a tub,
and what do you think they be?
The Butch, and the 'bucker,
The Candlestick Fucker,
Turns out they're faggots- all three.
Larry Larry Quite the Fairy
What makes your penis grow?
whatever sells, like cocks and smells,
and little boys all in a row.
Twinkle Twinkle little knife,
Adept you are at taking life,
I love the glitter as you slash,
people who are carrying cash.
Old King Cole had a ten foot Pole,
and his ten foot Pole had me,
Although he was tall,
We still had a ball,
and he went back to Warsaw for free.
A diller, A dollar,
A ten o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
You used to come at ten o'clock,
And now you come at noon.
(this nursery rhyme has remained unchanged through the years)
Four and Twenty Blackbirds
Baked in a pie
pull out their feathers
and watch them die.
It is such sport to hear them scream
I reach in my pants
and begin to cream.
There were two fratboys
Sitting on a hill,
The one named Jack
The other named Bill.
Drink all day, Jack,
Drink all day, Bill.
Fall down Jack,
Fall down, Bill.
And finally, a recently uncovered epic fable from Scotland
There once was a man named McDowell,
Whose dog had very tight bowels,
He freed it a bit,
with his tongue and some spit,
And he needed to use lots of towels.
The mutt was soon shitting a crateful.
When the pastor came by, he was hateful.
"This is truly a sin
But I have to give in,
If you loosen me up- I'd be grateful."
The pastor said, "I have not shat."
McDowell said, "We'll see to that."
Though he thought he might fail,
He saw a pink tail,
And out popped a yellow-eyed rat!
"Alas," said the rat, "I am
torn,
from the place in which I was born.
I am out on the street,
with nothing to eat.
Away from my peanuts and corn."
"Mr. Rat your fortune is made,"
said the pastor who knelt down and prayed.
The Lord heard his words,
And filled him with turds,
So he bent himself over and sprayed.
The rat dug into his pile,
The dog left after awhile.
The Pastor, he squealed,
when McDowell kneeled,
but his "blessing" sure left a big smile!
Here's one for all those budding computer scientists, who get really ratty when the server goes down..... how about if it's connected to the rest of the world?
In The Beginning
there was a computer.
And God said,
c:\>Let there be light
Enter user id.
c:\>God Enter password.
c:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\>Let there be light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create light
Done
c:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create firmament
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto
one place and let the dry land appear.
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\>Create dry_land
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from
the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\>Create fish
Done
c:\>Create fowl
Done
c:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Create cattle
Done
c:\Create creepy_things
Done
c:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create man
Done
c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and
subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the
fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon
the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\>Insert breath
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\>Copy woman from man
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\>Create desire
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. c:\Create
freewill
Done
c:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create good, evil
Done
c:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning: system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.edn. 1 errors.
c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN
FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE
LOG OFF.
c:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.
c:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Machintosh
There's some other pages of jokes around here . . .
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